Top 10 things you should have done in your last company after you realized all hope had been lost.

Pourin’ one out for the homies…

10.  Mutter to yourself in a foreign language of your own creation.

9.  Shave/pencil your eyebrows into an angry expression.  Yell and/or cry a lot.

8.  Determine how many cups of coffee is, definitively speaking, “too many.”

7.  Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting.  During the meeting noisily devour 5 entire raw potatoes.

6.  Celebrate Halloween.  Every day.

5.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans on your desk.  Number them.  Alternatively, name them.

4.  Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them instead of working.  If your boss says anything, confront him/her in a mysterious voice saying “They’re more than meets the eye.”

3.  Sit at your desk and stare blankly at the clock/wall.  If your boss should approach, stand, point at him/her bellowing “YOU CALL THAT WORKING?!”  Sit back down as though nothing happened.

2.  No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”

1.  Smile.  All the time.

What does the “g” in “gDiapers” stand for?

Genuine?  Green?  Actually, I’m pretty sure it stands for


Yes, while I’m for saving the planet and all, I think that the makers of planet-friendly, biogegradable, flushable gDiapers should have a large warning on the box:  May cause toilet to explode at 3am.

Granted, it’s my fault for not reading the instructions.  But then again, I’m a guy.  A guy with a baby.  Like I’m going to read diaper instructions.  If not a warning, the gDiaper people should at least be guy-conscious/guy-friendly and include a picture on the box indicating that the included swizzle stick is for helping the diaper break apart in water; not for ramming vast quantities of diaper down the nether regions of the toilet.

A simple drawing of an angry diaper-prodding guy with a big slash through it would suffice.

How to automatically carbon copy all of your email to George W. Bush

Now that the Senate has decided to grant retroactive immunity to the telecoms (video), it probably won’t be long before the Bush Administration starts routinely tracking your search habits, mining your email, and monitoring your phone calls.  This kind of automated profiling will allow the NSA to determine, among other things, your propensity for terror.  Yes, soon the Bush Administration will be protecting us all from ourselves.

But I say, why wait?! I want the Bush Administration to protect me from myself right now!  Am I a subversive?  Could I be a terrorist?  I need to know!  And I’m sure you do as well.

That’s why I have started automatically carbon copying all of my email to George W. Bush.  Okay, well, technically I’m carbon copying them all to Dick Cheney because it would appear that Cheney reads Bush’s email for him.  But I have every confidence that Mr. Cheney will keep the president abreast of my goings on.

If you’re a Microsoft Outlook user, here’s how you too can automatically carbon copy all of your email to the White House.

  1. In Mail, on the Tools menu, click Rules and Alerts.
  2. On the E-mail Rules tab, click New Rule.
  3. In the Rules Wizard dialog box, under Start from a blank rule, click Check messages after sending, and then click Next.
  4. Click Next.
  5. A confirmation will appear, notifying you that this rule will apply to every message that you send. Click Yes.
  6. Under Step 1: Select action(s), select the Cc the message to people or distribution list check box.
  7. Under Step 2: Edit the rule description (click an underlined value), click people or distribution list.
  8. In the Rule Address dialog box, click a name or distribution list, and then click To. Repeat this step until all names or distribution lists you want to add are included in the To box.
  9. Click OK.
  10. In the Rules Wizard dialog box, click Next.
  11. Click Next.
  12. Under Step 1: Specify a name for this rule, enter a name that you will recognize for this rule.
  13. Click Finish.

That’s it!  Now all of your email will be automatically carbon copied to Dick Cheney at the White House, who will update President George W. Bush, who will work with the NSA to figure out if you are a terrorist or not.  Because, let’s face it, who knows what you’re capable of?  Act now before it’s too late!

50 Dollars have it all the life

In a dramatic turn of international fiscal events, it would appear that well-off Chinese men are gearing up to acquire American mail order brides. (Ladies, consider the socialized health insurance!) A hacked version of Skype and some brute-force language translation make this potentially viable.


I was particularly intrigued by the “How to add the foreign woman?” link which, once automatically translated, reveals the touching story of “Qin Xiaomei and joes” wherein Qin Xiaomei and/or joes gushes “We like Jiubie reunion of lovers, the two sides across the ocean, the talk of Tongtongkuaikuai miss each other’s feelings.”

Poetry electric.

It’s enough to make me as well want to marry Qin Xiaomei and/or joes.

40 cherries for $300. Bargain.

From our remote correspondent in Tokyo.


30,000 JPY for 40 Cherries

30,000 JPY for forty cherries. Almost $300 dollars.

Now I’m sure that each cherry was individually encased in protective polystyrene cushioning, perfectly cooled, and personally serenaded to sleep each night by various members of the Tsunk Family, but still… I think this is a little excessive.